Confession of a Killer

(This story is totally fictitious and any resemblance to any character living or dead is purely coincidental.)

(Caution: This story contains a disturbing theme and description of violence, so people who don’t have a taste for such things, please don’t read it)

Sitting here in this prison cell, staring at these sheets of papers that have been given to me as my last wish, the first thought that comes to my mind is, why I am writing this. It is not that this is going to get published and I would become a famous writer. And what do I care if I do become one, I will not be there to enjoy the glory anymore, in fact I am not even going to see the sunrise tomorrow. What I am writing is simply a peace of trash and those who will read it, that is if any one would ever see it, will find it extremely ghastly. Even if they do find the title interesting and think may be this killer has a story behind what he did, may be he was forced to do such a heinous crime, may be they would want to search for a point of sympathy for me or may be they would just read it to find out if I really did do it, I am sure they wouldn’t find anything like that and would not like to go further. So before anything else I should clarify, I did kill in cold blood and not because anyone did anything wrong to me. No one took my job away when I needed it, or the love of my life ran away with anyone and nor did I do it to avenge my family; actually I don’t even have a family or friend or anyone who I care about. That’s right, so no matter what the reader thinks, I simply “Don’t Care!”

Well then why am I writing all this for no apparent reason in my last hours. Because I do have a reason and it is the same as that for which I committed the revolting crime or before that all those drugs, alcohol and many such things I did…and that is for the rush of it. Yeah, the Rush, the High, the Kick, the Effect, whatever you call it, I just have been on a mad search for it all my life, well, at least since I can remember. I guess it started with that first smoke of Beedi with a rickshaw puller shared with me when I hadn’t even reached my teen years. That first smoke although was not much of a rush except the fear of getting caught, other than that it was just loads of coughing due to my shabby attempt at following his instructions on how to smoke. But somehow I knew I was on the path of seeking my greatest treasure, the rush. Then with my pocket money I started buying beedis and cigarettes. As with time my pocket money and allowances increased so did my craving for a bigger rush.

I know what someone with anti-drug agenda would say to this, that there are other ways to seek the rush, as others do, adventures like water rafting, sailing-surfing, skydiving, bungee jumping, fast driving and every other thing the adrenal junkies do. But then the rush I sought was somehow different, it was never the adrenal pumping action type. In fact I have a fear of height and I am not much of a swimmer either. How do I put it, well the rush I sought was for me at least more spiritual, being one with the spirit. Now, now I don’t mean any god shit here. I am no religious man. In fact I despise this prostitute called god and its religion business and all the pimps, who sell this god for the satisfaction called redemption to the clients – the sinners of the world. I never sought that empty comfort; I found the company of real prostitutes much more pleasing actually. Frankly I don’t believe I am a sinner or there is such shit as god, heaven and redemption exist.

Anyways, this is no anti-theology paper by an atheist and it certainly isn’t a prayer to god to pardon my sins. I am in no way regretting what I did or making any excuses for it. So, the reader can simply discard this as a last rambling of a mad man for I care.

As I was seeking more and more in my quest for the rush, I got to high school and there befriended those so called bad boys, who introduced me to newer sensations, drugs like marijuana, pot, alcohol, and cocaine. You name it and I had it even before I finished college. I even had to steal for it too, some of these “friends” of mine said that stealing gives a rush too, but somehow I found no rush in that. I rather didn’t go for that option after the first few times. Contrary to what some would believe with such habits I was no petty criminal, rather I was a pretty good student, did well in school, college and even landed a good job afterwards. And as I said I cared for none so I put all my earnings in my quest for the rush.

But as deeper and deeper I delved into the depths of drugs seeking the rush, I found I wasn’t actually getting that rush. I thought in the beginning, I had, but actually, I didn’t. No drug, no alcohol ever imbibed me like others around me. Even if I tried the best of the drugs known to the man, at least what I could find through my internet research, nothing really got me closer to what I sought. I became restless, I just had to seek the rush I craved somewhere else. But where and in what, that lingering question disturbed me to sleepless nights. Night after night I thought why, these things, that everyone said gives someone a great rush, a tremendous high, wasn’t working to the slightest for me.

The answer I got very unexpectedly on one such dark night while flicking through the television channels disinterestedly. I was caught suddenly by this murder scene of some low budget psycho murder thriller movie on a channel. Somehow, I felt at one with the psycho killer, I felt the joy, the thrill that I would actually get doing the deed myself. But I am no psycho, I sought the rush and I knew my way of doing it would be different, studious, calculated and full of relishing enjoyment of draining the life of a person. The rush would come as I would slowly see a man full of desire to live seek death overcome by the intense pain I would inflict both emotionally and physically. I could already feel the tingling sensation even thinking about it, planning my steps. I just had to, I needed to, and I must do it to seek what I was yet to achieve, the great rush, the rush of killing someone.

Hence I started my research on the greatest killers who have carved a name for themselves in the history books and criminal records. No, not because I wanted to copy their style or something but to devise my own unique style that would be very different from any of the master killers. But I was no where in finding that perfect way to kill in my research, the way that would be a perfect blend of both physical and emotional death. Then, as with many great discoveries and their discoverers, me too had that great ‘eureka’ moment. That day I not only found that way, I found my intended subjects. Now that I think about that moment I am pretty confused about that moment. What triggered what; was it finding the perfect subjects, well people can certainly call them victims, but for me they were subjects of my great masterpiece, that triggered my mind on the perfect way or was it the other way around. Anyways, that’s a question as confusing as may be the ‘chicken and egg’ question. So rather I should talk about my subjects. Well this family of three, a young couple with their four year old girl child moved into the neighbouring house that they had just rented after the husband got this big promotion which I later learned. As soon as I saw them I just knew that they were the ones. So full of life, with a freshness of starting upon a newer and better phase of life, looking forward to enjoy every aspect of it, they would be the best, to drain away all the happiness and the wish and will to live, just seeing them, filled me with a rush of anticipation for the things to come that though was not exactly what ultimately I sought, but much like a pre-orgasmic bliss.

With the rush from this discovery, finding my subjects so close, I was almost delirious with excitement. Now I just had to set my plan into motion, gather my tools to complete my masterpiece, and I was sure just like my action the tools that will do it needed to be exquisite. As I set to gather my tools I also started to work on something very essential, to get on friendly terms and eventually be very good friends with the family that will soon be the subject of my masterpiece. Unlike what people might imagine, this was not very difficult for me, as I said even though I care for none in this world full of people, I can jolly well be a very sociable and likable person with those I want to. I can understand people’s psyche very well and know what they like and dislike and mould my behaviour around them accordingly to make them fall for me very fast. Here it was much easier, this family being new to the neighbourhood and this being a neighbourhood of very few people, was very eager to make friends with anyone who extended their hand towards them. Only their hesitancy and fear of not being accepted held them back a little from extending their hand themselves. It was also their attempt to feel part of a society of people who I am sure been long negated their advances for being at a lower income group. So they were very eager to be accepted in this so called “elite” society. I was the first person from the neighbourhood to extend my welcome, the others were not as forthcoming with their welcome, mostly not even being very inviting because of their own busyness in their closed society. This and of course my tailor-made projected personality contributed to me being their fast friend in matter of no time at all.

As our friendship grew closer and closer I was getting more and more excited about the prospect of getting closer and closer to D-day. My weekend pool games at the club with the husband had turned into daily evening drinks after office abusing our respective bosses and sharing dreams and plans for the future. My cooking skills had the wife floored, we even shared notes and experimented with many new cooking recipes over the weekends and I had become a very frequent guest at their house for dinners. Then one day I got an ultimate proof that our closeness had reached the level I had desired since the beginning. It was their fifth wedding anniversary and they wanted to celebrate it together in a special way and so they asked me to baby-sit their daughter and the day being a Saturday it was anyways no problem for me, in fact I was truly glad to accept their request although for an entirely different reason than what they thought to be my very helpful and friendly nature. I was very friendly with the little girl too and she was truly an angel, it was really no problem looking after her for a day especially considering my excitement at what this opportunity is presenting me with soon.

Oh man, what a surprise they were in for, what an anniversary gift they are going to receive from me. I am sure as much elated I was in giving that gift, they wouldn’t be happy at all to receive it. To see this kind, good friend turn into a monster, and shatter all their beautiful dreams of their future into a nightmare of hell-like proportions on such a special occasion. I was all set for my masterpiece, the novel tools I needed to use were ready, my script was ready and it became so perfect with the occasion. Hence I lost no time in extending my invitation for a lavish celebration for their anniversary with my own cooking at my house the next day. Although they objected to the fact that it was they who should be throwing a party and giving me a treat rather than the other way around that I was suggesting, but I would have none of it. I told them with all the convincing sincerity that I truly considered them great friends and was happy at their happiness and wished nothing more to celebrate it. This was as a gift from me on their anniversary and my token of appreciation for making me part of their life. What I actually meant was for them being part of my great masterpiece and presenting me with the opportunity to get that elusive rush I was looking for since so long. In the end they accepted my invitation on the condition that they would also be included in the preparations, as the wife quipped that this might give her another opportunity to learn some new exquisite dishes, that she would be able to use to satisfy her hubby-dear’s appetite to get many more anniversaries together, as they say the way to a man’s heart goes through his stomach. We all had a great laugh at this, although I was actually laughing at her naivety for thinking about a future that would never ever going to come and we all started with our preparations for the special day. They for their anniversary, making plans as to how can they make it more special for the other and undoubtedly both had me as an advisor for their plans and me preparing for the day I have been waiting so long to find that greatest rush of all and of course none of them were even remotely aware of my plans.

At last after much plans and programmes on their part and me containing my bursting excitement the Saturday came. According to the plan they left the child with me in the afternoon and went away to a beach resort nearby to spend quality time on anniversary night with the promise to be back on Sunday afternoon to help me with the preparations of the special dinner that night. I had already completed all my final preparations for the big Sunday of my quest in the special room I had designed in the basement. As I knew with the little girl with me, I wouldn’t have much free time to do those, so I had come a little earlier on Friday and had everything completed in the night itself to my perfect satisfaction. I already had them convinced that calling the few other families for the party wouldn’t be that great an idea as they weren’t that excited about mingling with many people outside their circle and the cold response they had received from the neighbourhood for their housewarming party when they first came to the neighbourhood was a strong testament to my words, so the matter wasn’t pushed any further and it was as it remained to be strictly a family affair. So everything was set, the studio was ready, I was more than excited, should say elated at the prospect, the only thing now remained was my subjects to come back from their trip and the real art to begin. The Saturday went away pretty fine, the child as I said was no trouble at all, she too like her parents was very fond of me, and all the little games and stories I spun for her were her favourites. Some say one can fool grown-ups but to fool a pure hearted child’s eye is not possible, no matter how good your acting skills are. I guess I have broken those parameters too. May be I should’ve perused a career in acting; I surely would have become a superstar. But then the masterpiece I am going to be creating soon would be a bigger superstar than me as an actor ever and as I said I wasn’t seeking fame, but the great rush.

At last the day had come. I know if any one has been reading this just would be hoping that such a day would never have come, but yes, sorry to disappoint you, but I did get what I wanted so much for so long. On Sunday afternoon the glowing couple returned from their anniversary honeymoon with glowing faces and with happy spirits. Their daughter was also very happy to see her parents after a day’s separation. And seeing all of their cheerfulness I was elated that it would be such a great feeling, the rush that I have been seeking since long, to not only take all of this away but to fill them with such despair that even death would look peaceful to them in comparison to my company so much so that they would be thanking me for killing them. Amidst such an air of cheerfulness all around we prepared a lavish dinner that had all the exquisite dishes we had experimented since long. The menu would have given complex to any five star hotels boasting of a great multi cuisine expertise. I had told them I had a very special gift for them post dinner and all of them seem to be bursting with excitement to know and see what it was, if only they had known how much more excited I was in giving it to them and how their excitement was going to get drained away after receiving the gift of such an unimaginably painful death. After dinner I brought out a special bottle of Champagne that I had for this occasion only, which they thought was my special gift and thanked me for everything from the Champagne to the lavish dinner and for taking the trouble to baby-sit their daughter on the weekend for their sake. I could only smirk at this as the Champagne wasn’t actually the gift but only the way for them to get to the real gift, I had it drugged and as I had thought the semi-powerful drug would work on them, they were starting to feel the effects even when only half the bottle was consumed by us, my drug-worn body though was holding firm without any effect. Anyways I was pretty careful not to consume much of it and had them have it more, as I didn’t want to adulterate the great rush of killing with any little effect of drugs. By the end of the drinks though I had got my expected results, the couple was totally senseless with the effects of the drug and I was totally ready to prepare the final stage of my plan. The child was already put in the bed after dinner before we started with the Champagne. So then I took all the three unconscious bodies to my studio in the basement and put them in their respective positions. The stage was now set, actors were on the stage and it was only matter of 3-4 hours of wait before they woke-up for the master act to begin.

During this time I had a little nap just to get totally freshen-up before all the excitement became too overbearing, and when I awoke and went into the dungeon again, I saw everyone stirring a bit although had not gained much consciousness. But I needed their full attention, so first with water I got them awake, they were still very confused specially finding themselves completely naked and bound in my special chairs which were pretty much like those found at a dentist’s chamber. I had prepared a special drink that I have found a great antidote to any drug effects over my years of experience with drugs and I had them drink it. After a while they were quite awake now and started questioning me why they were bound like this, their confused state about the things is surely understandable. So I gave them a bit of introduction about how the champagne was not exactly the real gift but actually the being part of my master game that was the real gift, not for them but for me.

This was a game that they all must play, no choice to back out. As it was the occasion of their anniversary, I told them that the husband and wife together would play it. The victory prize, their unharmed daughter returned to them who as they could see was sleeping on a chair nearby. By the time I had shown them the entire apparatus which was fitted with their special chairs those two were sitting in, I could already see the cheerfulness and the drowsiness of the drink disappear from their eyes and get replaced with genuine fear. The apparatus was pretty simple actually; I had it made with some inspiration from the good old French guillotine. The blades here too were there, hanging overhead but they were fitted on a wheel that was movable horizontally on a rope that went over the chairs. The game itself was even simpler. The husband was playing choose between daughter and wife. I had a butcher’s knife with me that could easily cut limbs of a 4 year old child, so as to save his daughter’s life he had to just open his mouth the trick here was that in his mouth he would have the rope that was connected to the blade over his wife’s chair and as soon as the rope is out of his mouth the sharp blade would fall on the position below, which was positioned on the wrists of his wife and as the blade would be let go it will come down cutting her hands from the wrist down. So if he chooses to save his daughter he just had to open his mouth for which he had 10 seconds’ decision time before I began cutting their child’s limbs. On the other side the wife’s game was similar but she had different goal. She too had an end of rope in her mouth that was connected to the blade over her husband’s chair. So if her husband decides to save their daughter and by letting go of his rope, she has to hold her primal instinct to scream from the immense pain she would be feeling so that she could save her husband from meeting with the same fate as hers and get his hands chopped off from the wrists. In a situation when the husband decides to save his wife rather than their daughter then she would have a chance to save their daughter too the same way her husband has, by opening her mouth and consequentially put the blade on her husband. There was to be five rounds that they had to go through for the game to end. In the first round the blade was aimed at their wrists as I mentioned earlier, in the second it would be taken above and positioned over their elbows, in the third after they have gotten their hands chopped (if they decide to save their daughter rather than themselves that is) then we move on to their legs and the footrest of the chair would come up and hand rest would go as the wouldn’t have any hands to need it. So in third the blade would be positioned over their ankles and in fourth it would be positioned over their knees. So if they go through all the four rounds successfully to save their daughter’s limbs and possibly her life as the pain of getting her limbs chopped off would surely be so excruciating for her that she would die of it even before all the rounds ended. The fifth and final round was of course “Who dies” round, the parents needed to decide who among them should get their head under the guillotine to save the child and leave the other helpless handicap parent to look after her. But if in any round they decide not to save their daughter and during any of rounds before the fifth and final one their daughter dies, the parents would find their heads under the blade too but if the child manages to save her parents by not dying before the final round, she gets her head cut off by me and the parents can go away whole and well from the game, with their daughter’s little head as their souvenir from the night.

All the while I was giving them all these details, they simply wasted time by shouting abuses and then begging me to let them go rather than actually listening to my explanation of the game. Damn, how rude of them, really no appreciation in them for such a brilliant game I had invented just for them on their special anniversary day – A true test of mutual love and affection, a test through endurance, sacrifice and swift decision making. That was really annoying me like hell – their abuses and their lack of interest, I mean I was giving them chance to be part of one of the greatest masterpieces ever, surely they should appreciate the gesture. I just had to make them listen and so I went to the daughter got her awake and put my knife to her throat so at to get her parents to be quiet and told them there was no backing out, no leaving the game before the final round, I mean what the hell, this wasn’t one of those stupid TV game shows where you answer questions and win money and can leave the game any time you want to save the money you have earned already, here their own and their precious little daughter’s lives were at stake, can’t they understand how serious the game was.

Well at least after this they understood or may be gave up knowing that their pleas wouldn’t help and they just have to go through with it. So I was happy to start my stopwatch to begin the first round. I came behind the wife running my hands over her naked body in front of her husband telling him how beautiful wife he had and he should really think hard if he surely wanted to destroy this beauty that too on their wedding anniversary. What kind of husband would want to do such a despicable thing, I mean a child he could surely have if he is together with his wife. But then may be thinking about doing a thing to such a beautiful wife on such a special day, he really didn’t deserve her, maybe I should have her and kill both him and his daughter. The burning eyes of the husband and the cringing of the wife under my touch was exactly the reaction I had sought from my words and almost at the 10th second of my counting I heard the rattling and the smack of the blade coming down on the wife’s hands cutting them from the wrist down. It was really hard for me to decide if the piercing cry of the wife from the pain was louder or the howling of the husband on seeing his wife in such an agony was, but then I didn’t have to think longer on this for more than couple of seconds as the wife’s cry of pain had ensured that her end of the rope connecting the blade above her husband was out of her mouth and the husband soon met with the same pain as his wife of getting his hands cut from the wrist down. I was delirious with joy about how well everything had worked untill now, and the feelings I was having inflicting such emotional and physical pain on these people. If these initial feelings of mine were anything to go by I was surely on the way to get that elusive and exclusive rush I have been seeking all this while. Their cries of pain and anguish had woken up the child too, and seeing the horror in front of her she too had joined the crescendo of cries of her parents. By now I also had to ensure that my subjects didn’t die on me before my grand finale so I put in some ice on their wounds to have them sustain longer. Hearing voice of their daughter and the concern for her brought them out of their miserable crying and I was ready to begin the second round. I congratulated the husband on winning the round by successfully saving his daughter and told the wife what a bad wife she was that she couldn’t save her husband and her own pain was more to her than saving her husband. I certainly wouldn’t want such a wife, no matter how beautiful she was, and then I have seen much better beauties than her. The husband started pleading again to leave his wife and daughter but what was the use I said. I mean would he like to have such a wife who puts herself first than him, I told him to think if the decision to save the daughter was left to her initially than on him would she have chosen the child over saving herself and her hubby dear sacrificing this pretty little innocent child for her own life and comforts. I don’t know if my words did it or if the unbearable pain didn’t allow him to keep his mouth shut longer but in the second round he let go of the rope much before than the last round. As I had already adjusted the position of the blades, this time the blade came down precisely over the elbow of the wife cutting the rest of the hand out, her howl of pain was so much that I almost got worried that she might not live through it, but may be hearing her husband’s cry as he too had met the same fate and the calling of their daughter somehow made her hold on. But she did pass out and I had to throw water on her to get her awake again. It was such a great sight to behold, pool of blood everywhere and in it lays four pieces of human hands, high pitched cries of these three people, two such beautiful human specimens deformed with their arms chopped off. Truly a masterpiece as I knew it will always be and the high, the rush I was feeling in all this is simply inexplicable, no drug, no adventure can give the same effect.

I congratulated them on completing the first part of the game without dieing and successfully managing to keep their daughter out of any physical harm. I adjusted the footrest of the chairs and brought them up, there too the feet of both the husband and wife was bound in two places just like in case of their hands, I adjusted the position of the blade again and asked them if they were ready to begin the next round or maybe they would like me to kill their daughter instead to spare them this extreme pain. The loud cry of no from both their mouths were enough that they still had the courage to survive this pain to safeguard their precious little child, what length people can go to save their genealogy, I thought smiling.

Anyways, after giving them a warning about the next round of loosing their feet and asking if they would still want to loose their remaining limbs for the child, at the end of the day no hands and afterwards no feet, how could they possibly take care of the little child with such a handicap, she is better off dead. I started the next round when they still cried heavily when I took the butcher’s knife in my hand to the child’s throat while speaking those words. But something happened in this round that changed the course of the entire game, weather for good or bad I am still unable to understand as in any case the planned outcome of the game remained the same. This time as the rope end was let go by the husband and the blade came down on the wife’s feet, cutting it away from the body she let out a guttural scream that wasn’t there before and as she let go of the end of the rope on the husband’s blade, her head went down behind. At first I thought she had gone unconscious again like the last round, but when I went to throw water on her, on a close inspection I found this time matter was much more serious, no amount of water or anything else would wake her up again, I had achieved my first kill of the night, the wife was dead, and the rush seeing her dead body, the kick just came rushing in so fast as this information sunk in. I don’t exactly remember what I did at that moment, whether I danced with joy or burst out laughing but this much I know as I recount my feelings that I was on a high that I had achieved never before seeing the blood soaked naked dead body of this once beautiful woman now with no arms and feet was giving me the extreme pleasure that I had imagined all along.

But her death had changed the game and as I realized this, I also became very hungry for the great rush I just had from the death of this woman and I needed more, as they say once a tiger tastes blood it becomes unstoppable, I too wouldn’t have stopped then for anything. I turned to the husband who by then had got an inking as to what had happened yet he was hysterically calling his wife, without giving a semblance of care to his cut feet that were bleeding profusely. I had to slap him quite a few times to get his total attention on me. I put on a very angry face, told him that his wife had disappointed me very much, to leave the game midway that too without my permission, and what kind of woman she was, leaving her husband and the little daughter in such a dangerous situation to face. But then her actions must be punished and the punishment must be taken by the daughter as the rules of the game I had already explained to them and even before the husband could comprehend what I really meant and what I was going to do I had brought the girl near his side by dragging her by her hair, and before even he could finish his first sentence of pleading for sparing her life, I had cut that pretty little head from her body and threw it on the lap of her father and the rush this time was even greater, to feel the exact moment of my knife cutting off that head and taking such a young life with my own hand was simply blissful. In that haze of mad rush then I saw that defeated and resigned look on the face of the husband, his eyes now incapable of shedding any tears, just looking blankly towards the severed head of his daughter in his lap, trying hard to touch it, hold it but unable to do that with his arms chopped off, the man who was just a few hours ago was so happy and full of life and enjoyment with a loving little family now had nothing to live for. Everything I had taken away from him, and then he started another cry of plea, the plea I was longing to hear from him, the plea to give him death, as the life now had become too unbearable for him, he begged and begged and begged while I just enjoyed this ultimate moment, the moment I had practically lived for such a long while, for which there was so much preparations required, such pains I had to go through befriending such silly people. They should actually thank me for this as I had now given meaning to their small meaningless life, they would no longer be the unknown faces lost among masses, just like my masterpiece that they were now part of they would become famous too, and they would become part of an elite group that no one else was part of. In such a happy daze talking about all such thoughts of mine to the husband I decided how the final life would end, he wanted death, he himself can take it, at least this much I can do for him for his great help in finishing my masterpiece. I brought up the end of the rope that was connected to the blade over him, pulled his head down by his hair, adjusted the blade alignments perfectly and gave the end of the rope in his mouth for him to finish the job, my masterpiece was about to be completed and they all would become great immortals with it. I guess he took one last thought of his happy days and his loving family, tried to reach out towards the wife with his cut arm and then he tried kissing the forehead of his daughter’s head that was lying inches away from his face on his lap but sadly I had held him just in such a position that his lips couldn’t touch it but in going for that kiss he released the rope and in matter of seconds his own cut head rolled besides his daughter’s on his own lap. The mission was accomplished, the greatest joy, the rush, the kick the high I was after so long at last I had with a complete masterpiece of death. A perfectly happy family was only a heap of broken and cut mass of dead bodies lying in the pool of their own blood, no more of their joyful laughter coming out or no more screams for mercy to spare their lives breaking the silence of the world. I was beyond the world myself, I was at a very high place, where I was only with myself, I was at one with my spiritual self, a niche that I had carved solely for myself, creating a true masterpiece of genius, inflicting pain both emotional and physical that had drained out all the willingness and joy of life from these people and given them the ultimate peace, death.

Well this was the story of why and how I killed, as I am sure those few who would have gone through it would know it had nothing to do with any personal vendetta or animosity but in pursuit of a pure pleasure of rush. May be people will appreciate the masterpiece I had created may be some would understand and agree with me about the rush I had. But I care fore nothing, whatever they want to think they surely can, I had done and achieved what I wanted to, I gave myself up to the authorities willingly as I knew, this great feeling of rush was exclusive and if I would have continued killing it would simply loose its edge with time and I certainly didn’t want that.

So here I am sitting in this jail writing this, call whatever, recounting a horror tale, confession on the death row, I just wanted to write it and feel the rush of entire episode once again and this writing has given me the opportunity to go through those moments and feelings once more. Now as the dawn breaks, I can hear the footsteps of the guards coming to take me to the death chamber, but I should tell everyone who thinks the death sentence is an apt punishment for me. Actually in the end moments when the husband was dying I discovered something, a rush that I can have, that was different but certainly same in intensity as killing someone, embracing the ultimate peace, the final moments when I would slowly go into that final sleep of death, it will bring me that rush, that kick that high that I am yet to achieve and that the husband would have felt when he let go of the rope that brought down the blade on his own head.