আমি নির্দোষ ছিলাম - Aami Nirdosh Chhilam - I was Innocent

Note: Wrote this story long back in school, that was published in a magazine then. Retrieved it now and hence posting the scan copy. Excuse the childish writing....

I don't...

Don’t take my silence for acceptance,

Don’t take my silence for weakness,

Don’t take my silence for your victory,

I am silent because I stopped caring a long time back,

From this hypocritical world I stand apart.

I know what you will say,

I know all your accusations and brickbats,

I have seen it all and have nothing to say,

I am silent because I stopped caring a long time back,

From this hypocritical world I stand apart.

Your standards may vary but mine don’t,

My whims are my own,

They are not up for your judgment so don’t

I am silent because I stopped caring a long time back,

From this hypocritical world I stand apart.

मायूस सी ज़िन्दगी का जशन!

शायर तो बहोत आये, चले भी गए...

लिक्खा उन्होंने बहोत खूब, बस हम ही समझ न पाए,
नादानी मे कर बैठे कुछ ऐसी गलती, के पागल भी हमे पागल कहने लगे!


किस्मत ने सूरत-ए-हाल कुछ यूँ बयां किये, के हमारे अलफ़ाज़ भी कम पर गए...
दुनिया ने अनपढ़ कहा, हम भी खामोश रह गए!


चाहतों और नफरतों की उलझने कुछ यूँ उलझी, सुलझाते-सुलझाते ज़िन्दगी ख़त्म हो चली...

क्या खोया, क्या पाया, ये हिसाब फिर भी लगा न सके!


किसी ने कहा मौत से इतना ना दिल लगाओ, जब भी मिलती है दर्द बहोत देती है...
किसीने शायद सुना नहीं ये, कराहते रहे हम ज़िन्दगी भर कैसे!


मय्यत का मेरे इंतज़ार हमे भी है, और उनको भी...

हम ज़िन्दगी से आज़ादी का जशन  मनाएंगे, और उन्हें भी अपने साये से आज़ाद कर जायेंगे!

जशन-ए-आज़ादी का माहोल कुछ यूँ बनायेंगे, मौत भी शरमा जाएगी ये देखकर...
टुकड़ो-टुकड़ो में जो थोड़ी सी ज़िन्दगी कमाई थी हमने, जला दी वो भी आतिशबाज़ियों में!

Roman Script: 

Mayus Si Zindagi Ka Jashn!

Shayar to bahot aye, chale bhi gaye...

Likkha unhone bahot khub, bas hum hi samajh na paye.

Nadani me kar baithe kuch aisi galti, k pagal v hume pagal kahne lage!

Kismat ne surate-e-haal kuch yun bayan kiye, k humare alfaaz bhi kum par gaye...
Duniya ne anpadh kaha, hum bhi khamosh rah gaye!

Chahaton aur nafraton ki uljhane kuch yun uljhi, suljhate-suljhate zindagi khatm ho chali...
Kya khoya, kya paya, ye hisaab fir bhi laga na sake!

Kisi ne kaha maut se itna na dil lagao, jab bhi milti hai dard bahot deti hai...
Kisine shayad suna nahi ye, karahte rahe hum zindagi bhar kaise!

Mayyat ka mere intezaar hume bhi hai, aur unko bhi...
Hum zindagi se aazadi ka jashn manayenge, aur unhe bhi apne saye se azaad kar jayenge!

Jashn-e-aazadi ka mahol kuch yun banayenge, maut bhi sharma jayegi ye dekhkar...
Tukdo-tukdo me jo thodi si zindagi kamayi thi humne, jala di wo bhi aatishbaziyon me!

कहीं गुम हूँ मैं...

इस शोर में कहीं गुम है मेरी आवाज़....

इस भीड़ में कहीं गुम है मेरा वजूद...

इस दुनिया में कहीं गुम हूँ मैं...

इन्ही सभी में कही ढूँढना है मुझे,

नकाबों  को उतार के, असली शक्ल पहचानना है मुझे,

दबा-कुचला सा मैं, जो कहीं खो गया अपने आप में!

उन चन्द कांच के प्यालों में,

मिलता है कभी-कभी मेरा अक्स मेरे ही लिबास में,

शख्सियत भी कुछ जानी-पहचानी सी है,

फिर भी लगता है के ये मैं नहीं…

मैं तो कहीं खो गया हूँ इस हुजूम में, किसी और ही शख्सियत में!

बस अब और नहीं, काफी कुछ कह चुका हूँ मैं,

सुनेगा कौन, ये मेरी आवाज़ भी अब मेरी नहीं,

कुछ खुद की तलाश में और कुछ तलाशने खुदमे,

अपने खोये वजूद को…

अब शायद खो गया हूँ मैं, मौत की पनाह में!!!

क्यूँ जिंदा?!

क्यूँ हूँ मैं जिंदा अब तक?
शायद मुझे चाहत है ज़िन्दगी की,
या शायद ज़िन्दगी को मेरी चाहत है!
या फिर मजबूरी है ये दुनिया की,
मुझे झेलने की, मेरे वजूद से कुछ फायदा लेने की!!

ये इल्ज़ामात गैरों पे लगाना फज़ूल है,
मेरी ज़िन्दगी किसी की अमानत तो नहीं,
ये तो वो गलती है जो मेरे वालिद ने की,
और मैंने गुज़ारी है!
अब खत्म करें भी तो करें कैसे इसे?
जिम्मेदारियों के बोझ तले यूँ दबा हूँ मैं,
नहीं टूटती ये जो ज़िन्दगी की मज़बूत बेड़ियाँ हैं!!

ये मेरी ही कमज़ोरी है,
या मेरी नासमझी है...
जो जिंदा हूँ मैं अब तक,
ज़िन्दगी जब नहीं प्यारी है!
मौत का ये बेवकूफाना इंतज़ार कैसा,
जब ज़िन्दगी और मौत मेरी ही मुट्ठी में हैं!
अब देर कैसी मेरी महबूबा को गले लगाने में,
मौत की खुशनुमा पनाहों में जाना है!!

न जी सका मैं किसी के लिए,

ना ही मर सका मैं अपने सुकून के लिए!
ये क्या कशमकश है,
ज़िन्दगी और मौत की ये कैसी रस्साकशी है?!
चन्द कदम ही तो अब मुझे उठाने है,
ज़िन्दगी से मौत की ओर...
ये तो बस आज और कल की सच्चाई है!!!

Its time...

It's time to say good bye,
Like it or not, its time to move on...

Beyond!

There will be some unsaid words,

There will be some unheard thoughts.

There will be some regrets, some unfinished tasks...

But it's time to bring all to an end!

Don’t be sad, cause there aren’t many who have tears to shed,

Not many to share your thoughts, or appreciate the life your had…

Life is short and shortest you have got,

Just get ready to embrace the eternal peace!

Don’t worry for those who you leave behind,

All those who left you behind,

You have also moved on beyond and away from them...

Life had gone on for you,

Life will go on after you…

You are nothing, just a twig in a raging sea,

You didn’t have a meaning yesterday,

Nor will you have anything after today!

It's time to say good bye,

Like it or not, its time to move on...

Beyond!

Destiny

When Prakash came out of his office and lit a cigarette, it was well past 10 of a chilly winter night in Delhi. Prakash just loved such winter nights, but the scene before him was also like his own life, dark, cold and alone...

His own place was about 8-10km away from his office. But as it was late and there were no buses running, so he just kept walking towards the auto stand about a km away. It was usual routine for Prakash to get out late from office even if there wasn't much work; afterall what did he have to look forward to, to get back. An empty 1BHK apartment! Who'll believe the happy go lucky person like him now lived in isolation from everyone...

But this wasn't the case till couple of years back; Prakash had a great job as a software engineer in a big MNC in Bangalore. The job he immediately got in campus placement after he had passed out with flying colours from IIT Delhi. But he wasn't just brilliant in studies, he was a true all-rounder. Be in music, dance, acting, art or writing he had it all in him and this made him the prize catch for all the girls.

But all that changed about a year and half back. That Saturday evening when Prakash was coming back from a night out party with his friends, he saw a girl on the side of the road ready to jump before the raging traffic. Prakash stepped on the accelerator and reached her just in time to block her way from jumping before a fast approaching SUV. His already adrenaline rushed heart got another jolt when he saw the girl's face. It was a face he recognized and yet it was unknown. It was Neelima, but she did not look at all like the beautiful, lively girl Prakash had a secret crush in college. Dark circles under the most beautiful and mysterious eyes that looked like they had been shedding tears continuously for god knows how many days, from her face and appearance she looked as if she hadn't had decent food or sleep for days. He somehow managed to call a taxi to take her to his flat after parking the bike at a nearby parking-lot of a mall.

After reaching his flat he told her to freshen up while he made some sandwiches and coffee. She followed him mechanically when he showed her the washroom and came back just the same as if in a trance all this while. Prakash could tell she hadn't done anything except crying more. He came to her and asked if she recognized him, but the only response he got was "please, can I go?" Prakash told her who he was and tried jolting her back to reality. After looking at his face for a little while as if she was finally coming back to reality, Neelima recognized it was the face of her best friend from college. Somehow it just made her break down to heavy sobs and tears. An awkward Prakash after hesitating a little just could take it no more and hugged her close and kept soothing her with calming words. After a while, time unknown to both, her sobs finally came to control and he brought her the sandwiches and coffee.

Just one bite of the sandwich and Neelima was again back to crying and Prakash again had to sooth her. He was worried, what had happened to the always smiling and always joking girl who was his partner in crime in many practical jokes he had pulled in college to have broken down in such a way. It was a great effort by him that managed to get the sobbing girl to eat a bit. After pushing away the dishes, seeming to gain a control over herself, She asked him to let her go. He promptly refused it by saying she would be staying in the guest room for today.  Neelima kept refusing but Prakash was adamant. Finally she burst out, “EVERY ONE IN THIS WORLD WANTS ME TO GO AWAY, WHY DON’T YOU LET ME GO TOO….” Prakash Replied, “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT OTHERS, BUT AM NOT ONE OF THEM, SO YOU ARE STAYING HERE TILL I KNOW WHAT’S WRONG AND FIND A SOLUTION TO IT.”  “There is no solution Prakash, I am what is wrong with me…” saying this she was again back to sobbing. Something in Prakash just compelled him to take the shaking body of Neelima in his arms and hug her close. May be this is what she needed, some closeness, to feel needed; it just broke the damn of words that told her sad story.

In college besides being best of friends, Prakash and Neelima were also the biggest competition for each other as the most brilliant, most versatile and most popular people in the college. If Prakash was the prize catch for every girl in college then Neelima was the same for every boy. Secretly even Prakash admired his best friend a lot, but he never was able to say it to her even though they both shared everything with each other. It was not only fear of losing the friendship over rejection in love that held him back, another reason was her family, not only they were rich and powerful but also very orthodox in matters of love and marriage. She was also not someone who really was into love and romance, what she wanted was to be free spirited independent girl and never really gave any of her suitors much attention. After college just like Prakash, Neelima too landed a good job with a reputed MNC and it gave her an opportunity to be independent on her own in a different city than her home town. Despite reservations from family she went to Pune and took the job. Even though they went far with their job, they remained in touch over mail, chat and phone. But with hectic work schedules even that touch started fading away. But Prakash never really could forget Neelima though a new development changed a lot in Neelima’s life. In office she met Suresh, her team leader on the project. And with time somehow while working, things started changing between them. The charismatic, always finding an excuse to laugh Suresh found a way to capture Neelima’s independent heart and as the time went by she fell deeply in love with him. 

But destiny was writing a different story here, as the project finished after almost a year, Suresh and Neelima were assigned to different projects. Finally he was even transferred to the Bangalore office for the new project, initially it was still ok, they used to meet over weekends when either Suresh would come to Pune or Neelima would go to Bangalore, but then one day Neelima got a news that she was both happy and scared to hear; She was pregnant. They needed to get married as soon as possible or else if her family got to know about this all hell would break lose. But as the weekend came things started to look much worse, Suresh was freaking out over the news, he kept on saying their careers weren’t at a point that allowed them to start a family, he needed more security, and if their relationship got known in the company they might lose their jobs. She kept insisting him to give it a proper thought but Suresh left that evening with much hurry. Over the next few weekends, she tried to persuade him, but he started avoiding her. He told her he was going off for some client meeting so he wouldn’t be able to come or meet her in Bangalore. Then to make the matters worse Neelima was called by her family to attend a cousin’s wedding where talks of getting her married loomed large during the celebrations. Her parents and close relatives kept an eye on the potential grooms. After the week long festivities were over Neelima went directly off to Bangalore rather than going to Pune, as she hadn’t heard much from Suresh over the past ten days. He had not called once and when she had called most of the time either he was too busy or too tired to talk.

It was two nights before the night Prakash had found Neelima, she had gone straight to Suresh’s apartment but he wasn’t there. She went in using her duplicate keys and something stuck her odd. The things were not really in place, many boxes were in various stages of packing, it was a scene that meant the person living there was getting ready to move out soon, very soon. She was really worried now. She called Prakash but no one picked up. She kept trying for hours but there was no response. She didn’t know when she fell asleep in the couch, but she was rudely awakened from violent shaking by someone. It was Suresh, he was drunk, and he kept on asking why she was here. She tried to explain, even told him that they should talk later as he was too drunk to have a logical discussion. But he started screaming that he didn’t want her there, and finally came what had never happened in her life, Suresh hit her, even her strict father had never hit her all her life. And it didn’t stop in one slap; he hit her repeatedly and even tried to take her out of the apartment by her hair. Somehow she managed to get out of his grasp and shut herself in the bedroom to pass the night crying sleeplessly. The next morning though Suresh was at his best behavior, he even said sorry and told her that due to work pressure and tension he had gotten too drunk and it would never happen again. He assured her that he would have a serious talk with her in the evening after he came back from an important meeting. Neelima still wanted to believe him, wanted to give him the chance, and she waited for him all day, without feeling like or actually eating anything, even thought she had prepared Suresh’s favorite dish. The day rolled on to evening and evening to night and yet again there was no sign of Suresh. Finally at about 2 am in the night he came, again drunk, she asked him to eat but he threw the food saying he hated it, pushed her to the floor and went inside the bedroom locking the door.

Next morning, Neelima had enough, she wanted to resolve it one way or another, and as soon as Suresh came out she was before him with all her unanswered questions and accusations. This time he was in no apologetic mood; if he was bad in drunken state, he was worst in full senses. He abused her profusely alleging she was trying to destroy his career with false allegations and he wanted nothing to do with her. On repeated confrontation by Neelima, he became a monster. He didn’t stop at just slapping her but beat her up using anything he could lay his hands on, and finally threw her out saying he was going to Europe for an onsite work by evening flight and would never ever be back to see her face. Neelima was broken; mentally, emotionally and physically. She didn’t know what to do, where to go, her world had shattered and she could do nothing about it. She couldn’t go back to her family to seek help. She knew them too well for that. They would kill her first and ask explanations later for the dishonor she brought to the family. And anyways she had no reason to approach them, Suresh would be beyond her reach by the time any help came to her, and she felt he had already gone too far from her reach. No, she had no option left but to accept her fate, she would save her family from doing the dirty work, she would not live, she would kill herself. She was ready to act on her resolve just when Prakash had found her on the street.

By the time Neelima had finished with the story of her misfortune, Prakash was prancing all across the room with rage saying “that bastard….should kill the bastard”, but he knew in his heart, there was nothing to be done; Suresh was much farther away to do anything. The despair and frustration in his mind slowly started to form into a determination, the determination to safeguard Neelima, and her unborn child from the world. 

With this steely resolve Prakash told Neelima that if she should trust him he would want her to stay with him without any fear, after all as friends they had pledged to always be there for each other. No matter what argument or logic she tried to give against it, he refuted vehemently and his brilliant brain was working superfast; working out details on what to do on her family and office front, his own work, and how to best take care of his best friend. Slowly they both settled into a rhythm of life. After getting Neelima out of her job and making a story to her family about her joining his firm, they got into the mode of waiting for the day. As the time passed by both started getting used to each other, while Prakash started enjoying coming back from work and spending time with Neelima taking care of her, she too made her own efforts to make his two-room flat a home for him. As D-day started approaching, they became both apprehensive and excited about the future beyond as they both started nurturing feelings for each other that they both seemed to be superstitiously avoiding to admit even to themselves.

The day actually came even before they thought it would be, clearly it was to be a case of a little premature birth almost a month before the stipulated date. As Prakash saw Neelima being taken to the OT, he said to her, “Come back soon, need something important to talk to you”. Neelima in her heart knew for sure what he wanted to say, and she was ready to accept his proposal. It was to be the happiest day of their lives. But again destiny had some more twists to play in the game. Neelima went in, but never came back; neither she, nor her child. Some complications developed late during the delivery and despite best efforts of the doctors, they couldn’t save her and the child was a stillborn. The news shattered Prakash to the core, as if everything from his life was taken away by a cruel joke of destiny.  He just couldn’t believe that he had lost Neelima, his best friend and love of his life again and this time forever. After few days, he left not only his job but also the city that somehow only gave painful memories of his Neelima. He moved to Delhi, the city where he had spent most memorable beautiful time with her…

Deeply immersed in those thoughts Prakash never had an inkling to the fast approaching danger towards him. The Honda City driven by few drunken youngsters who had lost full control over it rammed into him from behind. Prakash hit the bonnet, then the windscreen and then he was thrown forward. Lucky for him the car swerved the other way and he was saved from going under its wheels, still he was gravely injured. The accident somehow brought the rogue youngsters to some senses and the best they could do was drive away as fast as they could from the scene. Some of the vehicles passing by stopped and people came out to see the situation. One of them was….Shreya!!!

For Shreya the scene before her was a twisted joke of destiny. The man there lying on the road was just her subordinate, so at the most her reaction should be of empathy. But then the man here was somehow a bit more or may be a lot more. Shreya knew Prakash from much before he came to the company under her. Infact, he was a bit senior to her in the company in Bangalore he used to work. She used to like him, more than like she had admired and even held a strong crush bordering to love with him. He was a legend in the organization back then, just like in college, with his extraordinary presence of mind and logical thinking in solving hardest of issues. Often his bosses would cite him as an example to others. Some became very jealous and some ardent admirers. Shreya was ofcourse among the second group. She would go to him for help for a real issue or just as an excuse to talk to him and he would always be ready to help her or any one else who came to him. They became very good friends and infact she believed that they had become more than good friends, until that day…the day Neelima reentered into his life.  As they say half knowledge is very dangerous and as she knew very little of Neelima-Prakash relationship, she developed all sorts of misconceptions about them and their relationship. She started hating him; so much so that she soon left that job and went back to Delhi, her home city, to work in her uncle’s firm.

After almost a year and half, Prakash also joined the firm on the behest of one of his college buddy who used to work here. But as he had a gap of around a year that he didn’t do anything so he became a subordinate to Shreya. Though from his friend she got to know most of the real story but somehow something in her never made her fully comfortable about him, their relation never became as cordial as before. But then Prakash was nothing more than just civil curtsey to anyone. He just did his work without mingling or socializing much with anyone, even with his friend he was never seen to be very joyous. Between Shreya and Prakash, they both acted as if they had never known each other before or they were any friendlier than a boss and her subordinate. Shreya had, post Bangalore, become very guarded in her social activities, especially in her uncle’s firm she had become totally career minded and wanted to reach the higher echelons as soon as possible.

The police siren broke Shreya off her reverie; the police inspector came and started asking people if they knew what had happened or if any of them knew the victim. Something snapped under the hard shell of hers, she came forward and identified herself. She demanded prompt action for getting him immediate medical attention. Her influential position, name of her uncle and his firm did get her that and in no time the ambulance was carrying her and Prakash towards one of the best medical institutes of the country.

When Prakash had reached the hospital, the doctors there were very skeptical, his condition was very critical on the first look. Further examinations proved that his head injuries were not fatal, however, the condition of his legs were critical. The direct impact, both with the bonnet of the car and later with the divider, had smashed both knees to bits. What transpired for next four months though was nothing short of miracle. Not only did they helped his physical recovery but also somehow healed both his and Shreya’s mental wounds. The challenge of his situation had filled her with a new vigor to achieve a new goal of life, to get him well. After almost a month in the hospital for his initial recovery, she took him to her own apartment. He couldn’t walk, as it would take time to get adjusted to replaced knees. Though his medical insurance or Shreya’s own money was enough to foot his medical bill and afford proper medical care with expert attendants, she had taken charge of his care and the nurse was just to her help. Prakash showed initial resistance to her, her adamant nature only allowed him to have his insurance to take care of his medical bills.

Shreya got immersed with taking care of Prakash and also got on with the task of getting those guys involved in the accident brought to justice. When the culprits were caught, she felt an immense relief which translated into a realization. She now truly realized what kind of responsibility he had felt for Neelima, how enraged he must have been over the guy who had betrayed her. She felt those same emotions of protectiveness and enragement for him and the culprits and she may not have had half the association with him than what he had with Neelima. She realized that her feelings for him now ran much deeper than just the infatuation and hurt pride of past; it had transformed into high respect and deep love.  On the other hand, Prakash too couldn’t remain unaffected by Shreya and her will to get him better. He remembered how she used to be when he had first met her, full of childish exuberance and charming nature, and then the next time he had met about a year and half later, cold to the core, completely businesslike. Now the Shreya he was seeing was a much mature mix of both, she had found her joyous nature that even filled him with a smile along with the same steely determination for his recovery that drove her in her professional life. Seeing her, he started gaining a will to live and recover; he understood her feelings and also recognized his own budding feelings for her. He also realized that now he couldn’t leave her; that would break her just like he broke down after Neelima’s death or may be worse. No he couldn’t let it happen, so it made him more determined to get better for Shreya’s sake, for their future’s sake. 

It was a very good day for Shreya, she was almost over the moon with happiness. Today she and Prakash had a very deep conversation regarding their future together and even though he felt that him still not being fully fit or being able to walk without support was a hindrance towards their relationship, she negated vehemently all his doubts and apprehensions. She was not one to let go of this opportunity and she didn’t. It was decided between them that they would get married in six months come what may. The calling bell suddenly broke Shreya off her thoughts of the future. When she opened the door she was surprised to see the guy whom her uncle wished to get her engaged and eventually married. She was never much in love with this guy but now seeing him standing on her doorstep suddenly took her aback. He was a key top executive of their firm seeing their Europe operations; she had some interaction when during her Europe tours and went on a few business dates too. Even though he had a charming way of dealing with people, somehow, it seemed to her sometimes to be too eager to please. By the time she could react in any way he had already given her the rose bouquet and was on his way to hug her, but he suddenly stopped in his track seeing Prakash wheeling his wheelchair to see who it was. Both guys seemed surprised to see each other. Before Prakash could react or Shreya could say something, the question or the statement was thrown at them, “So this is the employee of ours whom you have been very kind to these days, it seems he is always at the right places in the wrong time.” Shreya couldn’t think of anything else but an introduction to clear the awkwardness prevailing. “Uh ya, this is Prakash …and Prakash, this is our Europe Operations Head, Su…..resh!!!” What she saw when she looked at Prakash, and the millions of thoughts that came crashing into her head for those few seconds were enormous. Prakash was standing, without any help infront of his wheelchair, which a face and eyes full of rage and anguish, that scene was a trigger enough for her to go into the story of Prakash and Neelima’s life and identify who Suresh was. Destiny has played its final game and life has come to a full circle…

The decision was clear in Shreya’s mind and she didn’t waste any time in going by Prakash’s side to take his hand into hers to give a calming effect to him, and said, “Mr. Suresh, you are mistaken, he is in the right place at the right time…its you who is in the wrong place at the wrong time…so please excuse us!”

---The End---